Ellie Versus the Knot
by Steampunk.Chuckster
Summary: Canon. Post-season 3. Her father was murdered right in front of her eyes, she found out her brother's a spy with the CIA, her husband's been lying to her about it for months. Ellie Woodcomb is dealing with a lot-too much-and there's only one person she feels she can to talk to. One-shot.


**A/N:** So this is different from my usual fare. I've always felt like Ellie hasn't gotten her fair share of moments in the show, or in Chuck fanfiction. So much was thrown at her in season 3, losing her dad and learning about the CIA/NSA/Intersect all at once, and they only let her have that short (but beautiful!) scene with Chuck in the van after she saves him. She deserved more.

So I'm giving her more.

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own CHUCK. I'm not making any money from this fic.

* * *

She couldn't sleep. And she refused to take the sleeping pills she knew were in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. She had almost thought about it. Maybe she'd get the first couple of hours of sleep in a row since she witnessed Daniel Shaw shoot her father in cold blood.

It wasn't the sound of the gunshots that kept her awake, or even her brother's scream of agony. It was guilt. A complicated, painful guilt tugged at her heart. She hadn't had to think about it when she decided to leave her father's body on the ground and follow the men who had her brother. She didn't regret it. Her brother was still alive.

She'd just stood there while her brother held her dying father in his arms. She wasn't stupid. There was nothing she could have done in that moment, not against all of those men with guns.

But she'd been duped. She'd been gullible and scared and stupid. She'd allowed a man she didn't know to turn her mind against a man she _did_ know. She knew John Casey, even if she didn't know he was NSA. He'd been in her life for years. He was almost a part of the family in some ways, wasn't he? And still, she let a nefarious Ring operative trick her into believing him over John. It made her sick.

But she was also angry.

And she felt she had every right to be.

If they hadn't kept the Intersect and Chuck's involvement with the government a secret from her, she would have known she could trust John. She would have known Justin was lying. Things would have gone so differently.

There was a frustratingly logical voice in her head telling her that Chuck was right, that there were reasons for not telling her, at least as far as he was concerned. That he didn't trust the government not to use her knowing as a reason for throwing him in a bunker, or her, too. And Devon. Everyone might've ended up in a bunker. She understood that. But she silently willed that logical voice to shut up, anyway.

She huffed and tilted her wine glass to the side, watching the red liquid ever so slightly shift up the glass. Then she tilted it the other way, and back again. Everything was hurting. Her father was dead, her brother entangled in a web of lies and dangerous government work. One of her best friends who she thought served yogurt for a living and before that fried hot dogs was actually a CIA agent, and her husband had known about it for months and hadn't told her. She couldn't really blame Devon, not when he thought she'd be hurt or killed if he did tell her. He was well out of his depth in this whole thing, she knew. She was, too. But when she thought her brother's life was in danger, she was willing to risk everything to save him.

Maybe she'd just try to get back into bed next to Devon. His ability to fall asleep no matter what was going on was almost annoying even if there was some comfort in being beside him. She didn't begrudge him his sleep, especially since he was waking up in a few hours for a shift.

Ellie was on bereavement leave for another few days. So she could sit here and stare at the wall for as late into the night as she wanted to. She could get wasted off of red wine and lie in her dark bedroom until the funeral. Then get back in bed after.

Or …

She reached behind her and grabbed her phone from the counter, turning it over in her hands.

Or she could talk about it. It might help. She'd talked to Chuck a few times since he told her everything. He'd let her ask a million questions. He'd let her be angry for not telling her about all of it before. They'd cried together, mourned together. And he'd agreed to quit the spy life for her without argument. But there was so much he didn't know, couldn't know. Things were still so twisted inside of her, a tangle of memories and emotions and fear…and just deep, deep sadness. A knot sitting heavily in her chest.

She stood up from the table, phone still in hand, and walked over to the basket where they kept magazines and newspapers. There was one on the bottom—she'd hidden it there. She got down on her hands and knees next to the basket and started combing through the pile, digging, digging…until she had it clutched in her fingers.

She put everything else back and stood up again, turning over the paper until she found the advertisements section. It took her no time at all to find it. It was the last message he'd sent to her. Her father's brilliant brain playing games with her own, challenging her. She found herself smiling tearfully as she spotted his humor in the secret message. They'd had these inside jokes when she was little and he'd give her brain teasers and math problems to figure out while he did his work.

Pressing a hand to her mouth, she swallowed a sudden sob and dropped the newspaper back into the basket.

The tears came and she let out a frustrated growl, blinking up at the ceiling and wiping at her cheeks.

Chuck was dealing with the loss of their father, too. And anyway, there were some things she simply didn't want to talk to him about. Things she didn't want to tell him. Memories haunting her. Some were good, some bad. Chuck had this way of always apologizing for everything. Most of the time, it was admirable. Apologies always seemed to be so hard for people; admitting your mistakes and owning them, saying you're sorry. Genuine apologies were so rare in this world. And Chuck's sincerity was never missing from the apologies that had a habit of tumbling out of his mouth.

But she didn't want to hear another "I'm sorry" from him, frankly. She loved him. He was her little brother. She would die for him without thinking twice about it. But God, if he apologized one more time, she'd throttle him. She couldn't help it; it was driving her crazy.

And Devon had dealt with enough. He'd carried the burden of knowing Chuck's secret for the both of them, and she knew it must have killed him not to tell her after all of these months. But he'd also dealt with her numerous meltdowns over the last few days, meltdowns she'd hidden from everyone else. The loss of her dad, on top of finding out her brother had a supercomputer in his brain put there by the man who'd gotten him kicked out of Stanford, a man who was a spy with the CIA, the highly classified secrets and the instantaneous and extensive mastery of martial arts Chuck had in his head, and discovering that Sarah Walker was a highly trained, deadly super-spy all of this time. It was too much, way too much, and all at once.

She'd snapped.

Hers and Devon's bedroom had barely survived after she'd gotten the call from that general woman telling her they were safeguarding her father's body, telling her how sorry she was, wanting to know if they could do anything to help, insisting on taking care of funeral arrangements. It was kind, and she'd barely gotten through the phone call. The moment she hung up, she lost it. She'd tipped chairs over, pushed things off of their desk, thrown books across the room…She'd screamed and yelled. She'd sobbed.

Thankfully her husband was there before she could really damage anything, including herself. And he'd wrapped her up, strong and relentless in embracing her even as she thrashed and yelled. She'd let herself grieve in a way she hadn't before ever in her entire life. It wasn't just a crack in the cheery exterior and the good face she'd kept on since she was practically a child. The whole thing fell apart in Devon's arms, and he'd been…Well, as Chuck would say, he'd been Captain Awesome.

He hadn't let go for hours. And she knew it had probably startled him. It was something she knew he'd never seen before. But he was there.

Her mom leaving so suddenly, her dad following a lot more slowly, teaching herself how to pay bills, do taxes, figure out getting her and Chuck to school every day, finagling things to get access to the money her father left behind, working two jobs when she was old enough to work, staying up all night to finish enough homework to get her by in her classes—that pick and choose game of figuring out what assignments she could afford not to do that night. She'd done it all and hid a lot of it from Chuck to keep him happy and healthy, making sure his life was as normal as possible.

But that night, after nineteen years of keeping it together, she'd crumbled. She'd dropped everything she'd been juggling for over a decade and a half. And Devon had been there.

She didn't want to further his burden. He deserved a break.

But so did she. And she also deserved the truth.

And that was why, in spite of her discomfort and nerves, in spite of how frayed she was, she pulled up Sarah Walker's number on her phone and sent her a quick text.

"Are you awake?" she sent.

Barely ten seconds passed before she got her response. "Yes. Chuck is out cold, though." A pause. "Did you need him?" came the second text.

"No," she sent back quickly. "Let the guy sleep." Then she stared at her screen for a moment, wondering if she was crazy. But things had seemed so open between her and Sarah, especially since she and Chuck got back together. Movie nights, drinking wine in their pajamas, going for hikes. Granted, apparently things weren't _all that open_ between them, since through their entire relationship, Sarah had been lying about the fact that she was a CIA agent.

Ellie shivered. And then she shook her head at herself when Sarah replied with, "Everything okay? Need anything?" There was another pause as she saw the dots pop up that told her Sarah was typing. They went away again. And then started up. Ellie smiled inwardly at the apparent struggle Sarah was having second guessing herself and what she wanted to say. Then, "If you need anything, Ellie, just let me know. Please. Anything at all." There was a moment's pause again, and she finished with, "I'm right here."

It was everything the neurosurgeon needed from a friend. "Are you in your PJs or can you meet me at the fountain?"

Sarah sent a smiley with, "I'm in my PJs AND I can meet you at the fountain."

Ellie smiled and slowly ambled over to the door, cracking it open and peeking outside. Nobody else was in the courtyard. She pulled her sweater tighter around her body and stepped out, padding over to the fountain in her slippers and sitting on the edge of it, huddling up with her chin on her knees and waiting.

It took another minute or so before she heard Sarah come out. She turned and watched as the blonde carefully shut the door behind her and closed the distance, a tentative smile on her face as she stuffed her cell phone in the pocket of the oversized sweatshirt she wore, one of Chuck's no doubt.

"It took me a second to get out of bed. Chuck's kind of a cuddler when he sleeps."

"Doesn't surprise me," Ellie said, shaking her head. Then she reached up and put a hand on Sarah's wrist, gently pulling her to sit. "I hope I didn't wake you up, though."

"Not at all. I couldn't sleep what with everything I've got on my mind. How, erm…different things are gonna be now. Worried about Chuck. You. All of that." Then she paused and looked to and fro over her shoulder, then up to one of the balconies, before glancing at her phone. "Wait a second," she said. She pulled her phone out and began typing.

"What are you doing? Something wrong? CIA thing happening?"

Sarah snorted and shook her head. "No, nothing like that. Just telling Casey to turn off the bugs so we can have some privacy."

Ellie felt a shiver go through her. "What?"

"Yeah. Part of the gig is full surveillance on Chuck, and that includes out here. So we know if anyone is here who we don't want around."

"You mean there are…bugs out here? Spy bugs? Like…CIA agents have been listening to conversations we've had out here?"

"It's probably just Casey who's heard it, honestly, and most likely not all of the conversations. You'd be surprised by just how little curiosity he has about people and what they talk about." Her phone deedled and she sniffed in amusement, turning it for Ellie to see.

Ellie leaned in and saw that Sarah had texted, "We don't need any surveillance tonight, Casey, but thanks for the thought." John had texted back, "Ugh." He was typing something else, though. "Thx for the warning. Enough lady feelings."

"Lady feelings?" Ellie asked. "Is he always a jerk, or just sometimes?"

Sarah laughed as she pulled her phone back, but then she got another text and she smiled down at it before turning it for her boyfriend's sister to see again. He'd sent, "Always. Goin to bed. Yr on yr own."

"Think it's safe to say he isn't listening anymore," the younger woman chirped, tucking her phone back in the pocket of Chuck's sweatshirt.

"But he's heard things before and that's seriously creepy."

Sarah sobered up and nodded. "I know. If we didn't have to…"

"No, I know. Part of the gig. It's kept my brother alive the past few years, so I can't really complain all that much. Not like I have anything to hide from the government, anyway. I'm sure they're really interested in the exhausted muttering I sometimes do when I'm getting home from a twenty-four hour shift at the hospital."

Sarah giggled. "If there's no plotting against the government in it, I'm sure they aren't."

"Where are they?" she asked, and Sarah blinked at her. "The, uh, the listening devices, the bugs."

"Oh. Casey installed them himself when we first started the job. It took me a few days to find them all. Didn't really trust him back then, so I just waited for him to fall asleep and snuck through the courtyard looking until I found every last one of 'em." She shrugged. "A few on each balcony, one on the other side of the fountain, at the gate, near every door and window, and a hidden camera up there." She pointed up to a spot where Ellie found she couldn't see a damn thing.

"There's a camera up there?"

"Yeah. It's helped us before."

"God, this is so insane."

Sarah sighed and nodded. "Yeah. It is." Then she turned and gave her a long look, one that made Ellie almost a little uncomfortable. It wasn't the fact that this woman was a spy that unsettled her so much as how easily she'd lied about it. And Ellie had always been so good at reading people. Apparently not when they were spies, she thought wryly. "This was all dropped on you so suddenly, Ellie. And I feel terrible about it. This isn't what we wanted."

"What was it the CIA wanted? For me to never find out? For me to go through life never knowing my brother was a spy, that one of my best friends was a spy, that my dad worked for the government, that my brother's brain has all of the government's biggest secrets crammed in it?"

Sarah bit her lip. "I honestly don't know what the CIA wanted, as far as you're concerned. But I meant—I meant us. Me and Chuck."

"What'd you and Chuck want?"

"Chuck wanted to tell you right away, that first day he found out about all of this and what happened to him—what Bryce got him into. I told him he couldn't. I told him he couldn't tell anyone, not you or Devon or Morgan. No one."

Sarah paused and Ellie saw a look come over the woman's pretty face, one that she recognized well, even during those years when she and Chuck apparently had been in a cover relationship. It was the obvious look of a person in love. It made her feel good to see it, but she also had to remind herself that Chuck and Sarah hadn't been together all of that time, that both of them had to pretend there wasn't anything between them underneath the pretending they were in a relationship. It must have been hell for them both. How stupid and unfair it all was. How screwed up were the people in charge of all of this garbage?

"By then I already cared about him more than I could even begin to understand and I had maybe spent only ten hours with him tops. I was told not to tell Chuck _anything_ , but I needed him to know why it was so important he kept all of that Intersect mess from the people he loved. I didn't trust the people I worked for. They'd given me reason not to trust them. And I _definitely_ didn't trust Casey or the people he worked for. If Chuck told you or Morgan and they found out, I had no idea what they might've been capable of." Ellie felt a chill come over her and she pulled her sweater even tighter around her, looking away from the spy. "But he wanted to tell you so badly. It was killing him, and me by extension. But then it didn't take long for me to start wanting that just as badly."

"What?"

"For you to know, I mean. Morgan and Devon, too. You and Chuck are so close, you know. And it just…" She sighed. "He was so wrecked keeping all of this from you. I saw it eating at him every day. It…I dunno, it really sucks seeing someone you love go through that." She shrugged a bit shyly, tucking her hair behind her ear.

"What about you, Sarah?" Ellie asked, then, nibbling on the inside of her cheek. "I mean, you're a spy, I know. But I felt like you and I really connected." Sarah's face fell and she looked away. Something of a mask slipped over her face and Ellie wondered if that was some sort of training. It hurt her to see it. How often had Chuck seen the same thing, been hurt to a greater degree upon seeing it? "You can't really blame me for feeling a little bit like…I don't know, maybe some of that was…just cover. You making nice with Chuck's sister because you were supposed to be his girlfriend." The mask fell away and Ellie saw hurt. In spite of everything, she couldn't help reaching over to put her hand on Sarah's shoulder. "I know all of our interactions weren't just for the cover. I know not all of it was fake."

"Some of it was. But not the important stuff, Ellie. Most of what I told you, especially recently w-with Chuck and I really being together, is absolutely true. I just kept the fact that I'm a spy from you." Ellie figured she'd given her a flat look or something because Sarah's eyes widened and she must've felt the need to clarify. "Not that it isn't a big deal, my being a spy. It's a big lie, I know that. And I'm sorry I had to keep it from you all this time. I did really want to tell you. Especially when you came back from your medical trip last month and we were spending so much time together. It's just that with everything that happened, Chuck thinking he saw Daniel Shaw again, the Ring…I was afraid for everyone that I cared about. And I thought your not being connected to all of it would make you safer. It sounds like a really lame excuse but—"

"No, I can tell you don't mean it that way." Ellie smiled and made sure Sarah saw the genuine affection she felt for her. "I appreciate you wanting to protect me. And I haven't had a chance to really talk to you since…everything." She cleared her throat when her voice cracked and she took a deep breath. "But you have no idea how much I appreciate you keeping Chuck safe this whole time. I know it must not have been easy, and I know my brother; he probably made things even harder."

Sarah quirked an eyebrow and huffed in amusement, nodding. "Right from the start, your brother was a big ol' hero. It was so freaking annoying."

Ellie laughed, letting her head tip forward. "I bet he was hard to keep in one place. Even before all this, he was always swooping to people's rescue."

"Yep, that's Chuck," Sarah giggled. "I mean, yeah, it was hard to keep him from getting himself into trouble. But the really annoying part was that it was really hard to resist falling for him when he threw his own well-being to the side and prioritized someone else's…or-or the world's. Sorry, probably not something you wanna hear." Ellie just shrugged, because Sarah was right. It wasn't easy to hear Chuck had risked his life that many times, but then again, she had to be proud of him. How many times had her brother saved the world in the last few years, she wondered? "Like, imagine…Imagine being me through all this. If you can."

"I'll try," Ellie drawled, making the younger woman smirk.

"You've spent your whole life just about…lying and deceiving, under the CIA's thumb, always putting everything else before yourself, the mission always coming first. And then you get this assignment, a protection detail, on this guy. It seems easy enough, and then he starts defusing bombs with computer viruses, putting himself in harm's way to stop criminals, being a leader when you know he's scared out of his wits, proving himself in a way that most trained agents haven't, when he shouldn't even _be_ in that situation in the first place…Hard not to be drawn to someone like that. You know, he once jumped off of the roof of the Buy More to save my life, using only one of those crappy sale banners to break his fall. Like a Nerd Herd Tarzan."

Ellie watched Sarah's face closely as the woman stared at the ground in front of her. The small smile on her face, the way her eyes softened even amidst the amusement, and the way she sort of bunched her shoulders up told Ellie that Sarah had probably already had feelings for her brother then.

"What an idiot," Ellie muttered, and a laugh bubbled out from the spy.

"I know. It was easily the craziest thing I've ever seen in my life. I've worked with a lot of agents from all over the world, been in a lot of deadly situations, and none of them would have done what he did." She paused and her smile died down a bit. "They probably would've just let me be taken away and eventually killed. And I don't say that with bitterness, it's just…It's cruel, but sometimes that's part of the job."

"The greater good?"

"Exactly." Sarah shook her head and Ellie saw some bitterness, in spite of Sarah insisting she wasn't bitter. She imagined the woman must have had a hellish life, or at least a really, really hard one. "But imagine being a handler, the way I was, and having your asset consistently do whatever he had to do to keep you safe. N-Not because he didn't think you could handle yourself, because I've met plenty of male agents who think that about female agents, but because he cared about you. Legitimately. And he really did care. Not in the way like he wanted to get in my pants, but just…genuinely caring about me, my well-being. Sorry, I'm mixing up my tenses."

Ellie giggled. "I'm a surgeon, not an English professor." That made Sarah laugh. "My brother is kind of great, isn't he?"

"There's no one better." She met Sarah's blue eyes with her green ones and smiled, feeling warmth. "And I know, I've been allll over the world and I've met a lot of people. A lot of people you might consider heroes."

Ellie suddenly felt a bubble of emotions start to rise in her chest. "Sarah, is—is he okay? Sorry. Not to change the subject. I just haven't really been able to gauge if he's okay. You spend so much time with him…"

Sarah didn't seem to know how to respond for a moment, and then she sighed and nodded. "I think so. He will be. I've been trying my best not to leave his side so that I can be there for him if-if he needs me."

"Good." Ellie nodded quickly, blinking to keep the tears at bay. "Because this is really hard and it's…it's worse than the first time our dad left. And I guess the second and third and fourth, et cetera. Because this time he's really gone." The last word came out in a broken-hearted gasp and she covered her mouth quickly, almost as if to push it back in. The tears fell then and she immediately felt Sarah's arms around her.

She was almost a little surprised by how quickly this woman moved to comfort her. This was a CIA agent, yes, but more than that, Sarah had always been a tad tentative about things like emotions. She'd floundered a bit in the beginning when Ellie asked about her life, and she knew now why that was. How many of the stories Sarah told about her life were true and how many were lies, she wondered. She didn't blame her. It was all to protect Chuck. But she thought maybe it was hard for Sarah once the two women had become closer.

Sarah wasn't tentative now, holding her as she cried. It didn't take long for Ellie to get a hold on herself and she moved back, wiping her cheeks with the sleeves of her sweater. "Sorry.""Please don't apologize, Ellie. God, Chuck kept apologizing for breaking down, too, and it just…it isn't necessary. You've both been through so much. And, I dunno, I guess it's really important to me that you know we're all here for you. I mean, obviously, I'm taking care of Chuck to the best of my ability, as hard as it is to see him hurting like this. But I'm here for you, too. We're—We're friends, right?"

"Yes," Ellie said quickly. "Of course we are, Sarah. Nothing's changed there." She put her hand on Sarah's and squeezed. "It's just been a really hard week. And it's crazy, you know, because Dad was never there when we were growing up. Chuck probably told you how after Mom left, Dad would just go off on business trips or something for weeks at a time, then months at a time, until he just never came back. It got to the point where he was gone long enough that it was okay…But now that he's really gone, I miss him a lot. In spite of him never being around."

"He was here for a little while the last few years."

"Yeah. He was." She sniffled and nodded, pushing her hair back behind her ear. "This just sucks so bad. He was supposed to be here for good this time. He told me not to worry. We had plans. Devon was going to rent a trailer and Dad was going to take us up the coast to Big Sur and we were going camping. And we had projects we were going to work on together, experiments he'd told me he needed my help with, and this just sucks so damn bad." She began to cry again, feeling Sarah squeeze her hand tightly. "This is just a lot, ya know?" she said through her tears, sniffling. "It's a lot to handle all at once."

"It's too much. I know. I wish I could have told you earlier. I wish I could go back and have Chuck tell you a long time ago but…" She huffed. "Even Stephen was against it." Ellie looked up at her in question, wiping her tears with her free hand. "Yeah, your dad was terrified that both of you would end up trapped in the spy life. He was upset when he found out Chuck was still working with us, working for the government. Really upset."

"I can't blame him."

"Me, neither." Sarah shook her head. "I-I should tell you, your dad wanted Chuck out of the spy life completely. He wanted him to stop. Chuck didn't do that. He felt he couldn't, not with Shaw roaming free again. It's just how that guy of ours operates. He can't run away when he thinks he might be able to make a difference and save people. It's one of the many things that made it so easy for me to fall in love with him."

The brunette found herself smiling, in spite of the tears cascading down her face still. She couldn't imagine what it was like for Sarah. For a moment, she tried to put herself in the other woman's shoes. If the government had put her and Devon in this same situation that Sarah and Chuck had been in, would she have been able to do what Sarah had done? Wait all these years to be with the man she loved? But first pretend to be in love, all while hiding that she was _actually_ falling in love underneath the cover? …She didn't know if she had the fortitude Sarah'd shown. The willpower. Stubbornness. Whatever it happened to be.

And then she took a deep breath. "You must be angry with me," she said then, switching her gaze to Sarah. The other woman frowned deeply, obviously confused. But before she could say anything, Ellie continued. "I got Chuck to agree to leave the spy life behind, leave the CIA, stop working for the government. He's going to find another job, one that means I don't lose him the way we've…lost Dad." She had to take a few measured breaths not to break down again.

"Why would I be angry with you?"

"He's your partner. I'm essentially taking him away from that."

"He wants a regular life." Then she ran her free hand down her leg and squeezed her own knee. "As regular a life as he can have with a girlfriend who's definitely not regular."

She heard in the other woman's voice—saw it in her face—that she didn't mean that as a compliment for herself. Sarah Walker wasn't regular. She was so _not_ regular that Ellie had a sudden realization that Sarah Walker might not even be this woman's real name. Not that it really mattered in the end, because she was Sarah to all of them, and she'd always _be_ Sarah now. But she was different, she wasn't like everyone else, and she was probably better for it.

"No, you probably aren't a regular girl, Sarah. But I've freaking had enough of watching my brother try to date 'regular' girls," she said, shaking her head. "Regular girls don't deserve Charles Irving Bartowski."

Sarah smirked a bit. "And I do?"

"Yes," Ellie said emphatically, doing her best to snuff out the dubious tone she'd heard in the other woman's voice. "You're some kind of insanely skilled CIA agent who's probably fluent in a crap ton of languages and you've saved my brother's life more times than I…probably want to know." She widened her eyes and smirked. "And anyway, you love him. You always have. Chuck doesn't have to tell me that, and you don't have to tell me that. I just know it. I always have known it. I've seen it from the start even though I didn't know why things were always so complicated between you two. It's why I liked you so much and so quickly. I could just tell."

She could see the shyness in the younger woman as she pushed her hair behind her ear and ducked her head. "Maybe—Maybe that's why I liked you as much as I did, too. And as quickly. You didn't know I was a spy, so you just saw me. _Me_. It was easier to talk to you about things I couldn't discuss with Chuck or Casey or anyone else because you didn't have that knowledge of my involvement with the CIA. I was just…the woman who was dating your brother. You saw the real me without the fact that I'm a spy clouding your perception. It was nice, for a change."

Ellie felt a warmth in her chest and couldn't help but smile. "Well, now that I know you're a CIA agent, I don't feel like that has to change."

There was a long spell of silence, then, and Ellie listened to the crickets chirping, the sound of cars driving by outside of their pretty apartment complex, and then she heard Sarah speak up, her voice a little slower, quieter.

"Ellie, I'm not angry with you for asking Chuck to stop spying. He told me you asked him to and every time we have talked about it, he's been very resolute in his decision. I do think it's what he wants."

"I'm not so sure it's what he wants," Ellie said. "And I probably sound like a terrible person, like I'm super selfish and a bossy big sister who is overly protective…" She paused, and she inwardly smirked when Sarah didn't take that opportunity to correct her. "But I don't want him in that life anymore. I know, any job can be dangerous in its own way. Or you could get into a car accident, slip and fall in the shower, get mugged. But working for the CIA, going on these missions to stop bad, _bad_ people who would like nothing more than to see you dead, that's…" She sighed. "It's too dangerous. And I can't sit by while he's involved in that. I can't."

Sarah nodded. "He knows."

"No, I don't think he gets it. I don't think anyone does. Devon didn't come right out and say it, but I can tell he thinks my asking Chuck to leave the CIA is harsh, an overreaction because of my dad's murder." Sarah didn't seem to know how to respond, so she continued talking in order to spare her the struggle. "I know everyone thinks I'm bossy. Morgan, Devon, everyone but Chuck, really. And even then, sometimes I think he has moments when he thinks I'm a bit overprotective, too. But nobody really _understands_ everything," Ellie said. That knot she'd carried inside of her for almost twenty years began to ache then. She could feel it. And as much as Sarah had told her about how comfortable and safe she'd made her feel, as much as she'd said talking to her was easier than talking to other people, Ellie was feeling that same pull now.

Sarah was a secret agent. She kept secrets for a living, didn't she? And Chuck…Well, she hated the idea of Chuck being wracked with guilt, so she would never give him the full details of what she'd done. And Devon had come into their lives later, when she was starting med school and things had mostly settled. He knew a lot, but she never really wanted to get deep into _everything_. She couldn't stand pity. She'd chosen all of this, instead of a path that might have made things easier…And she didn't regret it for a moment.

"Well, all you guys really had growing up was each other. I don't think anyone can blame either of you for being protective," Sarah reasoned.

Ellie smiled and shook her head. There went that knot. Her breath came out in a harsh gust and the words just started to spill out. "I can't let anything happen to him. Ever. I just can't. He was all I had to keep my chin above water after our parents bailed. And I was literally the only person he could count on. Morgan, obviously, but what could another twelve year old kid do to make sure he got at least two meals a day, could afford the bus trips to and from school, make sure a roof was over his head. Chuck was _my_ responsibility. And I mean, I was his responsibility, too. But we made a pact when Dad left for longer than a month that first time. I was maybe fourteen, Chuck was nine or ten. But we said we'd do whatever we had to not to let people in on what was happening." She took a deep breath. "Somehow we managed not to get on the radar of child protective services. A lot of hiding and tiptoeing around conversations about our parents, and forging signatures, lying about our ages to get jobs. I bussed tables when I was fourteen. Bet you didn't know that," she said with a soft huff of amusement.

"I didn't," Sarah said quietly.

"Yeah. Taught myself how to pay bills and do taxes. Chuck found a way to get us access to Dad's money. I don't know how and I decided not to ask questions. It was so hard to sleep those first few years. Sometimes I'd work double shifts at the record shop and the restaurant after school. Then I was so tired I actually would sleep. Those days were a relief, because otherwise I was kept awake by fear. I was always afraid."

"Of what?"

"Losing Chuck. Failing him. Failing myself. Ending up at some foster home. Any number of bad things that could happen. But the babysitting and then the multiple jobs when I was old enough, taking two city buses to get to school every morning and every night after tennis, theater, whatever…It all became routine. Of course things were dicey every time one of my friends' parents, or Chuck's friends' parents, asked about Mom or Dad." She couldn't help laughing then. "I chewed Chuck out so bad when I found out he'd told one of his friends' mom that our parents had a phobia of other people."

Sarah laughed. "Not the best lie."

"Yeah, well, he hasn't always been as good at lying as he apparently is now." She hadn't meant to sound so bitter, and the air became a little tense and awkward. She had a right to be bitter, to be mad. She did. She wouldn't apologize.

"Chuck doesn't know this. He'd feel terrible and end up drowning in his own guilt and it just isn't worth all of that, because I went into it with both eyes open. But then things went south. One of the teachers at my school started getting wise, suspicious. I kept falling asleep in her class and one day I finally actually passed out so she finally made me go to the nurse. And it was this whole thing where I had a blood sugar problem from what was essentially malnutrition. I had to get a three week advance from both of my jobs because I didn't have health insurance for me or Chuck, obviously, and I had to get a check-up at the doctor and pay for it out of pocket and it was this whole thing before the teacher and the nurse left me alone. I had to pretend my parents were taking care of everything, even Ferris Bueller status faked my mom's voice over the phone to stop the whole mess." Ellie covered her face, remembering how terrified she'd been, sixteen and handling all of it herself. "Chuck was just a kid still, only twelve or so, and I really wanted him to focus on the things a twelve year old kid is supposed to focus on—homework, chess club, video games, comic books. So I never told him any of that."

She felt Sarah's hand on her back. It was comforting. God, just talking about it out loud felt like she was reliving it again and it sucked.

"We were so close to having it all fall apart just because I skimped on a few meals. After I got us out of the woods, I made sure most of our income went to eating two meals a day. Thankfully, Chuck and I qualified for the free lunches at school so that was a meal I didn't have to take care of." She sighed, shutting her eyes and pressing against them over her eyelids with her fingers, trying to will herself not to cry again.

"I had no idea it was that bad," Sarah said, keeping her hand where it was. "I just…I never knew."

"Nobody does. It wouldn't help for anyone to know. I just need you to understand that I-I get how I come across sometimes. I understand it. But I was Chuck's sister _and_ parent for so long, and it's hard to break out of that. But more than that, I just can't stand here and allow him to be a part of something that might take him away from me, the way it took away our dad back when we were teens…the way it's taken him away for good this time." Her voice broke and she covered her face, crying again. Sarah's hand on her back slid up to her shoulder and she was brought closer, pressed into the younger woman's side.

She let out a frustrated groan and sat up straight again, wiping at her face, laughing at herself good-naturedly and shaking her head. "I don't want to tell my brother how to live his life. I don't. But I don't want him ending up shot in cold blood like our dad was. I'm not bragging or looking for pity or sympathy, because I did what I did knowing _exactly_ what I was doing, and why I was doing it, but I made so many sacrifices and worked so freaking hard, and as important as the world is, I'm not willing to let my brother die trying to save it."

When she met Sarah's gaze, she felt that the other woman understood. She gave her a slow nod and shrugged one shoulder. "You know, Ellie, as much as I love going on missions with Chuck, as safe as I feel having him at my side, not just as my boyfriend but as my partner, I know that any wrong move out there could mean I lose him." She let out a shaky breath. "I want Chuck to make his own decisions about his own life, but the thought of him sitting behind a computer coding or programming instead of out in the field with bombs and bullets and people who want to kill him is a nice one. Safe Chuck is my favorite Chuck."

Ellie giggled. "So you aren't mad at me. You don't think I'm a crazy overprotective nut."

"No and no," Sarah giggled back. "After everything you've been through together, everything you've done, I don't think I—or anyone else for that matter—have the right to make assumptions about a decision you've both made together."

"Well, I don't know if we made it together as much as Chuck knows where I'm coming from and he's doing whatever he can to ease my mind. Especially after our dad…" She didn't feel like finishing that.

"This is his choice, Ellie. He's been talking to me about it, and he's made the decision to listen to you and pull out of the agency, get another job that's less dangerous." She frowned. "He keeps bringing it up, making sure I understand where he's coming from, making sure I'm okay with it, and I think it's because he's nervous."

"About finding a job?" Ellie asked.

"No, about me. But I'm not with him because he's a good spy. I'm with him because he's a good person. A great person. That whole thing about me not being a 'regular girl'," she said, making air quotes before tucking her hands back between her knees. "It kills me a little to think he might be afraid I wouldn't want the guy who worked for the Nerd Herd."

The brunette let out a sigh and shook her head. "That's Chuck for ya. A side-effect of abandonment by your parents, maybe. Or the fact that he dated such shitty girls all the time, present company excluded." Sarah smiled at that. "But you should know, whether or not you're a spy, Sarah, I still wouldn't consider you 'regular'. You'll always be extraordinary." Sarah's features softened significantly and Ellie thought back to a conversation she and Chuck had a while ago. "Ya know, Chuck said something like that to me once. It was about a year after you showed up in our lives…He was kinda morose when he got home late one night, and I asked him what was wrong. He confided in me…about you."

Sarah's blue eyes—so bright and stupidly gorgeous, Ellie thought a bit wryly to herself—snapped up to look at her. "About me?"

"Mhm. He said he missed you. It was the most candid he's been about you. Sometimes he told me, well, a lot about his feelings for you. I realize why _now_. Because he couldn't tell anyone else about them," she said, coming to the realization right then. "Least of all, you." Sarah's eyes were a bit glossy then as she leaned her elbows on her knees, pressing her fingers to her lips.

"I told him if he missed you so much, he should freaking grow the hell up and get after you. But he was resistant. I didn't know why, but he just said it was impossible, that you were done with him, that he needed to move on. I swear to God, I could've grabbed him and shook him 'til his eyeballs popped out." Sarah snorted softly and she seemed almost embarrassed as she glanced away quickly, a blush on her cheeks, so Ellie pretended she didn't hear it, as adorable as she thought it was. "I thought he was such an _idiot_ about you all these years, and of course, it was so much more complicated than I could've ever known. Going on and on that night about how he had to move on, stop pining…when I could see he so clearly didn't want to move on from you. And then he said this crap about how you'd never want someone like him, no matter what, he'd just never deserve you."

Ellie watched as one tear squeezed out of the blonde's eye and slid down her cheek. She sniffled and wiped at it quickly.

"He's always had this self-esteem issue about every woman he's dated—not that there were a lot." She winced then, realizing what she'd just said. Maybe she was a little too comfortable with Sarah at the moment. "Not something I should say out loud to his girlfriend, perhaps." Sarah grinned a bit weakly. "It's true, though. There weren't a lot, but the few he's dated, he just loses sight of how special he is. Always says something about them being out of his league. He's never lost sight of how special _you_ are, though," Ellie said, putting a hand on Sarah's arm. "That was what he said over and over that night. It would never work because no matter what either of you did to change, you'd always be extraordinary, and he'd always be ordinary."

Sarah just shook her head, frowning. "I hate that he thought that way. It messed things up so badly. Not that I helped much. I'm always so lost in my own head about him."

"But you're here now. As much as everything else is complete and total shit, as much as all of this hurts like hell, Chuck has you. And you have him."

The younger woman nodded, smiling in agreement. "And, like always, you and Chuck have one another."

"Hah. Thank God," Ellie practically gasped. "I-I don't think we would have lasted this long if we hadn't had each other. That's why I—I just can't have him doing something that might—I can't lose him to this life the way we lost Dad. I can't." She pressed her lips together and shook her head. "I worked so damn hard when our parents were gone, and I just couldn't have…" She let out a long breath through her lips. "I couldn't have done any of it without the beam of light that is my brother."

They just sat there in silence, then. She could almost hear the gears turning in the other woman's head, and she let Sarah have this moment to think, to get lost in her thoughts even.

"Thank you, Ellie."

She nearly jumped, it was so unexpected, as she'd started to settle into her own thoughts just when Sarah spoke.

"For what?"

"So much. Seriously, almost…everything." She giggled softly and shook her head. "But for doing everything you did to protect him and keep the two of you together, for basically raising him and protecting that innocence in him that did such a freaking number on me." Ellie snorted softly. "Seriously," Sarah giggled. "There's this childlike wonder in that man, the way he looks at the world and people— _me_. I've never wanted to protect anything or anyone as much as I wanted to protect him, and it was almost immediately after I met him, too. I don't think that would still be in him if you hadn't made all of this sacrifice. Or his kindness and selflessness."

Ellie shook her head vehemently. "No, he's always been like that. Even as a baby, he was so warm and sweet. Never cried or threw tantrums, always just quiet and understanding, but so thoughtful and kind. I didn't do that."

"But you protected it." Ellie wasn't sure how to respond, so she just smiled, moved by Sarah's words. "And because I'm so thankful, because no one's reaping the benefits of all of that as much as I am…" The two women laughed together at that, even as Sarah blushed. "I'm going to be as supportive as I know how to be of Chuck's promise to give up the spy life and settle into a less dangerous job, a less dangerous life."

She couldn't help it. She dove in and hugged Sarah as tight as she could, clinging to the one person she knew her brother loved more than anyone else in the world. "Thank you. That means so much. Really. Thank you."

Sarah hugged her back just as tightly. "I understand, Ellie. More than…Well, more than I'm comfortable saying, honestly. I hope that's okay."

When they pulled back, Ellie shook her head. "Of course it's okay, Sarah. Whatever you need to talk about, whenever you're ready."

"That means a lot," Sarah said.

"And hey, listen…Everything I said, all of the really…er, gritty…details about Chuck and I growing up, the stuff I haven't told him or Devon or…anyone else, really…I appreciate so much that you gave me a safe space to let it all out, but if you could maybe keep it…well, between us…"

"Yes," Sarah said, swiping her hand through the air and nodding emphatically. "You can trust me, Ellie. Chuck knows you probably hid a lot of it from him to make his life as normal and happy as possible. He mentioned it once during a stake-out, before we really got together…He's a…erm, a sharer." She giggled. "So he knows there was stuff already. But I promise you, I won't tell him what you just told me."

"I figured as much. He's observant. Even as a kid, he was. But…still…thanks." She leaned in and hugged Sarah again. "I'm actually feeling tired now, thank God. All of that stupid blubbering I did."

"Hey. Not stupid."

Ellie laughed and held her hands up in surrender. "Not stupid. But have a good sleep, huh? For tomorrow is…going to be rough." Stephen J. Bartowski was being laid to rest and she knew it wasn't going to be easy.

"Right. Yes." Sarah reached out and squeezed her shoulder. "Try to get some sleep…even if that means maybe a sleeping pill. I know," she rushed, holding up a hand as she got to her feet and brushed off her backside with her other hand. "Chuck was resistant, too, but just try it. We'll make sure you're up in time for tomorrow."

"Okay." She nodded and stood up, exchanging yet another hug. The air between them felt good…better. Because ever since she found out Sarah was a spy and all of that Intersect mess, it had taken a toll on the trust she'd had in her. Being lied to by…everyone had felt terrible. But things felt okay now.

It was nice to know Sarah had wanted to tell her, too…that Chuck wasn't the only one.

And as she took a sleeping pill and crawled into bed with her husband, Ellie found herself drifting off to sleep feeling more at peace than she had since her father's death almost a week earlier. She didn't even notice that the knot she'd had in her chest for years was gone.

* * *

 **A/N:** The line to give Ellie a super-hug starts here, behind me. Line it up, folks.

Thanks for reading. Please review, if you have it in ya.

-SC


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